GULAg – Episode 7

Your all time favourite is back for a brand new episode. Due to our main actor’s various breakdowns over the last few weeks, the production has decided to lower his work load. After many, some would say too many, meetings, it has been decided that the actor currently playing Jerome would now work only 24 academic hours a week instead of 30. Being the clever bugger that he is, he managed to cut down his working week to even more by accepting to teach children and he is now on a 14 real hour week. With a brand new smile on his face and the introduction to a few new characters to the plot, the production is proud to present episode 7.

Stay tune for a brand new episode of Queer eye for the straight guy, right after Gulag.

Episode 7: Dreams can come true

 

Little did I know when I woke up that day that this was to be a brand new beginning. I awoke well rested that morning, on opening my eye, I saw gentle snow falling outside. I stood up and lit a cigarette. Cheap cigarettes and being able to smoke them everywhere was what made Moscow such a nice place to live in. I looked down and admired my brand new six packs. After my promotion, I finally had time to work out with a personal trainer and my baby fat had slowly melted away. I was on top of the world. My new flat was big and comfortable and best of all I didn’t have to deal with my old drunk Scottish flatmate anymore. I picked up the phone and checked my messages. Most of my classes had been cancelled for the day and the gorgeous guy I had met a few days before had left me a message asking when we could hang out again and by hang out he meant having mind blowing sex. All was well!

What more could one ask for? Suddenly I heard something, a strange bipping sound buzzing my right ear. Unconsciously I lifted my arm and started punching the air. There was nothing there but I felt as though I had hit something. Then I heard shouting. Confused and not knowing what the fuck was going on. I decided to close my eyes and to pull myself together.

When I reopened them, the scenery had changed: I was lying on a single bed, in a tiny room. My drunk arsehole of a flatmate was shouting at me, threatening me that if I didn’t stop my alarm clock, he would shove it up my butthole.

It had all been a dream. All was Hell! At least, that dream had been more pleasant that the one I had the previous night, when I found myself having to climb a mountain of plastic bottle that were always tumbling down and trying to bury me alive.

I reached for my cigarette and my lighter. I put on the radio and dear old Gloria started to shout out loud that she would survive. I cried.

Queer eye for a straight guy: Babushka-tastic

In tonight episode, the Fab 5 will tell you how to transform your basic grandmother into a typical Russian Babushka.

Carson:

‘Hello my dears, I’m afraid the other 4 are too busy having an orgy to help me today but fear not! The camp one is here and I should be able to annoy you enough all by myself’

‘So to start off, you will need your grandmother, take any old table cloth and wrap it around her head, then go to the cheapest second hand shop you can find and get some dresses preferably of dark colours and with a flowery pattern. Once you’ve successfully dressed her with at least 3 of them, a cardigan and a shawl, sat her down and convince her that her entire family has died, that her husband has never loved her and had cheated on her during their entire marriage, also tell her that she is suffering from an incurable disease and that she will die soon. If you’ve done it well, you should see her smile diminishing and a hatred for the entire world appear in her eyes.’

‘This is not enough. Tell her also that all her grand-children are gay (even though they’re not) and that it’s the end of the family line. You might want to add that aliens have landed and that they’re taking over the world. Add any old lies you can think of and see her transform into a being of pure hatred. Now place her inside the underground system and tell her that in order to survive the alien invasion, she has to move from one train to the next as quickly as possible without resting and that she should use force even if unnecessary to get in and out of trains’

‘Final touch: give her a heavy wooden basket to carry with her at all times! Job done, you’ve got yourself a babushka! Congratulation’

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS – EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE – ARE ENTIRELY TRUE

THE AUTHOR WOULD LIKE TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT NO ONE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD TRY TO LIVE IN RUSSIA

Click here for Episode 8

Written by Jeronimo

This is nothing more than the witty rumblings of a Fairy (Capital F) who tells it like it is...Erm, thinks it is... or well, just dreams it. After escaping the evil grip of abismal Moscow (where the saga started - see the GULAg episodes), our Fairy found himself in the...
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