by Leo “Majo” Drape
“Behind every great man, there’s a great woman” and behind any columnist (worth being read or so they think), there’s an awesome assistant, i.e. me. The name is Leo and I’m taking over Fairy Tales. I imagine your frowning face, stunned in disbelief and asking yourself where on God green earth Jerome is.
After a week long relationship, Jerome got dumped (no big surprise there!); his broken heart is weeping, bitter tears flooding out of his blood shot eyes. The sorrow being too great to bear, he’s not been once to El Apolo (C/del Barco 18) where he goes to write – he asked me once never to mention his secret hide out, oops! Instead he mops around the house in his bath robe, dragging his sorry 32-year-old corpse from the fridge to the bed.
I tried telling him that his ‘good before date’ had expired, that he should call it quits, that retirement from the scene was the only reasonable option, he just burst into tears before stuffing himself with chocolate cake – There’s no helping some people!
As his assistant – which is quite frankly beneath me – my sole responsibility is to answer his fan mail. Fan mail that he receives by the truck loads and that always astonishes me by its dullness.
Can I receive a signed naked pic? – I sent him one of Susan Boyle instead. I hope he liked it.
My pseudo-boyfriend refuses to commit. It’s been over a year and we still both continue to go on GayRomeo (Spanish gay dating site) dates. Help! – Jerome would most probably dive into one of his fishy theories such as the Spanish Paradox, his latest. The Spanish Paradox: It sounds like the title of a bad Doctor Who episode. He would start by saying that out of the hundreds of interviews he did (Hundreds? Tens more like it), all the Madriñelos he met said the same thing: “I want a boyfriend! But no one wants to commit”. He would then ponder about the dilemma. Making grand gestures, he would make long winded statements such as and I’m quoting here: “In a world where everything is at our fingertips, where everything is possible, loneliness has become an illusion that follows us like an overbearing shadow, we fool ourselves into believing that we can find love, the same way we buy carrots when ultimately, the choice being too overwhelming, we fall into mediocre over-consumerism” YAWN! I don’t even listen to what he says anymore!
I simply wrote back: We all like cocks! The more the merrier. I mean why fool ourselves? When you live in a candy shop, just make sure you have a good dentist and everything will be peachy.
Jerome would frown upon what he calls a demeaning and detrimental vision of our community before going on and on about how I just spread stereotypes and pave the way for the anti-gays by picturing us as promiscuous. The old fart doesn’t get it: We like cocks! We’re not all washed up, balding romantics like he is. We just want to get some!
My fabulousness knows no bounds while yours is decaying by the minute. Time has come to disappear into the night and never to be heard of again.
Leo “Majo” Drape